I Built a Truck

Bills

Everybody hates bills! Sending money to companies... And you have to do it!

Units

That's a lot of jelly Mommy got. It's like a whole mile of jelly.

Bush/Cheney, Shorter Version

I'm trickier than Cole. I'll blow up his house first.

New York City

In New York City everyone is confused, because there are so many buildings.

Advertising works

A Happy Meal is my FAVORITE MEAL!! It's happy, but it's food! Happy food!!! ((maniacal laughter))

2012

C: What's that movie about?
Dad: It's a pretend movie about the end of the world.
C: The world's never going to end really, right?

Watching Ad For Dog Toy

When all our cats die, we can get a puppy, and get one of those toys, and have hours of fun!

Small Socks

Dad, these red socks, they fairly bit!

On YouTube

I wanna watch the dinosaurs get killed!

Mom-ism

Mom: Calvin, could you --
C: MOM! MOM!
Mom: Don't scream when I'm screaming, Calvin.

Decorating

Mom: Calvin, what would you like to see in our house that isn't there now?

Calvin: Trilobites!

Ages

C: Mom, Daddy is older than you, even though you're taller.
Mom: That's true. Will I ever be older than Daddy, or will he always be older?
C: When he dies, you'll come older.

Stacking the Committee

At my birthday party, I'll choose who picks the game.

Looking at His Letter to Santa

He'll say "Ho ho ho! Which one should I pick?"

Really thirsty

When I'm really thirsty, I can drink a lot more than I need!

Trying to learn the golden rule

Mom: Calvin, I think you should learn about Immanuel Kant. Say there's a knock at your grandmother's door...
C: There's a knock at my grandmother's door.

Redistribution of Wealth

Mommy, when you have too much money that means you give some of the money to me.

Children's Song

Blah, blah, black sheep, have you any wool?

Pirate knifes

Dad! Did you know this? Pirate knifes are really knives for Pirates!

Home Sweet Home

Why is Virginia so beautiful?

Facts of Life

Daddy, my computer stopped working and now I have to start my email all over again!

Squirrels Eat Acorns

Squirrels eat walnuts, too, and coconuts!

Coconuts

Walnuts turn into coconuts.

Computer Lessons

C: The cats teached me.
Dad: What did they teach you?
C: How to use a computer.

The Moon

See? The moon is made of cheese! A piece just fell in my mouth. It's cheddar!

Lego Building

C: I can build it however I want.
Dad: You're right. I don't want to squash your creative spirit.
C: Dad, you squashed my creative spearmint.

Mom's Morning Breath

Mom, your breath smells like potatoes.

When I Eat Food

It all tastes the same, except for things I don't like.

When I Grow Up

I want to be a policeman.

The Golden Rule

Do the things that you really want other people to do.

Waiting for minor bump-removal surgery

Mom: Do you have any questions?
C, excited: Yes! Are they going to take out my eyeballs?

Comets

When a comet hits the Earth, it's called the golf of America.

Place settings

There are two forks so you can eat with both hands!

More Afterlife

Did you know if you die the dinosaurs will come back?

Cats

C: Cats don't know anything, Dad.
Dad: Yes, they do.
C: They don't know anything about Star Wars!

At Chili's

C: What are those? Are they for decoration?
Dad: They're gift cards.
C: Yeah, if you get married here, they give you one of those for a gift.

Kid

C: I'm going to be grown up really really soon!

Dad: No, it'll take many years.

C: I have fun being a kid. I get to play and not go to work.

Silly

I'm so silly. My brain doesn't think right.

Afterlife

When you die, the houses all get old and then they fall down.

Stormy Sky

If the sky opened up then all the planets and stars would fall down to Earth.

We don't want to know

Am I good at eating plastic?

Math lesson fail

Mom, nobody likes to talk about 14. It is boring.

Again! Again!

Mom, you hurt my neck! Do it again, it was SO MUCH FUN!!!!

Greenberry's Coffee Shop

If it were Greenberry then they would only have ONE coffee!

Headache

One time - I didn't have a headache, I was THINKING wrong!

Psychokiller

Why are they saying "run away"? Because the bed's on fire?

Our house was built in the '30s

Remember when you were alive, and they were building your house, and you had to sleep on the lawn?

Clear

Water is clear but it's not invisible. Air is clear and it's invisible.

Not sure how to answer

Looking at Daddy's half-rack of ribs: Wait, those are ribs from a COW? They cut up the COW? How did they DO that!?

Challenges

If something is easy and I already know how to do it, I don't try it again.

Infinite Regression

This how you do a "kitewheel": you jump and then you do a kitewheel.

Blood Suckers

1. I'm going to suck the juice out of these grapes because I'm a juice mosquito.

2. Vampires are called mosquitos.

Good Question

How do you wash water?

No I will not

Will you help me explode the house?

Discussing rocketships

- Well maybe you can someday go to a school to learn how to make a rocketship.
- But Mom, you CAN'T talk about rockets at school! Because they are big and on fire!

Outlaw Ethics

C: put your hands up Daddy!
Dad: [puts hands up]
C: bang!
Dad: you can't shoot someone with their hands up!
C: Dad, don't put your hands up!

Watching Mom play Rock Band

Mom, get to the end and win! Mom, don't miss any notes! Mom, go really fast!

Travel advice

Mom! Don't go to planets that have air that is poison! You can't see poison!

Star Wars fighting with Daddy

Darth Vader, are you okay? Darth Vader needs a hug!

Morning numbers

My favorite number is 255!
Also my favorite is two hundred fifty-teeth. That is a good number for the morning because it has teeth!

After seeing Han Solo get carbon-frozen

Mom! Some people do that just for decoration!

Dirty

Dad: It's too dirty.
C: But I wiped it off with my hand!
Dad: But it's still dirty.
C: No it isn't. That's just mold.

Dark pounds

Light means just a little pounds, so DARK pounds is a LOT of pounds!

Darth Vader

Darth Vader loves kittens!

Ontology

Mom: it was before you were on this Earth, before you were even in my belly.
C: Was I out in space?

Grocery store lobster tank

(Looking at the seasonings near the lobster tank)

- Mom! Is that lobster food?
- ummm...

(Later on, after a little talk)

- But how do you make them stop moving?

Breathing Fire

- Why do people breathe air and dragons breathe fire?
- What do you think, Calvin?
- Because people are good and dragons are bad.

Madagascar

Dad: What movie did you see?
C: Madagascar. There weren't any cars in it.

Ice People

Only Ice People can walk on water. Ice People that are alive.

Our kitten Blue

Did you know? One time - I hugged Blue sooooo hard - that he squeaked!

Babies

Mom! Did you know babies are smaller than big big rocks?

LEGO sculpture

I *love* this! When you love something, you should break it apart. Then you can put it back together!

Life Goal

I wish I could be a callapillar.

Announcement

I can read now.

Watching Popcorn Pop

I wish I could turn inside out.

Idea

Dad, do you like my idea? You can have it. Keep it. Keep it in your head.

The Elderly

When you're 100, you can't fit in any cars and you have to walk everywhere because you're too tall to fit.

Shades

This is dark gray, this is light gray, this is light white, and this is dark white.

Apple juice

Red apples make red apple juice and green apples make green apple juice!

Pancake mix

C: there is pancake mix in the pancakes!
Mom: what do you think the pancake mix is made of?
C: pancakes!

The Hot Chocolate Sat Out All Night

Mom: is it still good?
Calvin: yes, it's still brown.

Dull Pens

Mom! What if there were PEN sharpeners?!

More Cards

This is the King of Apples.

Cards

It's the King of Shamrocks.

Bicycle

I'm riding a two-wheel unicycle!

Candy on a high shelf

- Calvin, why are all these laundry baskets and pillows in a stack?
- I was NOT trying to get something.

At Greenberry's

Mom, Greenberry's is as big as it has to be.

Months

Months are very long. You have to do a lot of numbers.

The Chicken Puff Song

Chicken puff, bo bicken puff, banana fana fro fricken puff!

Mom

I miss you when I'm already here.

Air

Air is invisible.

Geometry

Hey Mom, I made a mathematical shape!

At Nate's House

I'm lucky to be here.

I don't think so

Hey, Mom! I have an idea! Maybe I can lick off all the cheese and then YOU can have the cracker!

Hummus

Hummus is made of hum.

Riding a bike

Mom, I think I have a weird feeling. I think I want to ride in a square.

Socks

These socks are TOO DRY!

My Family

We're the best people. We are going to save the Earth by fixing everything.

Franchises Available

McDonald's is on the moon!