Sweets

Hugging is the best part of life...

 ...but candy is too.

Disaster

Remember the earthquake in Japan? It was so major. First there was an earthquake, then a salami.

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False Advertising

Happy Meals never make me happy.

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Epicure

Dad: We have something for your bag lunch today - a spring roll!
Calvin: do you have duck sauce?

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Funny

Stop! Stop! Stop! That's hilarious but stop!

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail

C: How smart are the French?
Dad: Just as smart as everybody else.
C: In that movie they didn't seem very smart.

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Sign of future cannibalism?

(while poking own face) "what is the human meat called?"

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New house rule

Mustaches do not go on the wall.

- Mom

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Tubes!

Cole said he'd break our internets.

Unverifiable Hypothesis

If you sliced people up like paper, there would be so many pieces you wouldn't even be able to count them all in the same day.

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Proposal for the City of Harrisonburg

Policemen should get free slingshots so they can shoot robbers getting away in balloons.

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Discovering International Trade

Why is everything I have made in China?

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The origin of Man

C: Where do cats come from?
Mom: Other cats.
C: But where did the first cat come from?
Mom: Good question! Where did the first person come from?
C: From a fairy who put two people on the Earth, and those people made all the other people.
Mom: Some people think so, but they call the fairy God. Other people think we came from monkeys.
C: No, from apes. First they were apes, then Indians, and then people.
Mom: No, Indians are people. I think you mean Indians were the first people who lived here.
C: The first people to live in houses? No, they didn't live in houses, they lived in pyramids!

8 million

Mom: What is 4 million plus 4 million?
Calvin: 8 million! Mom, you messed my HEAD up with MATH!

Black on black

If you draw black marker over black crayon, it GLOWS IN THE DARK.

Person cakes

Zombies eat person-flesh cakes!

Teaching Oleana Science

There are little things you can't see, and they're called germs and they make you dirty. Everyday they make you dirty.

???

Mom: Name an animal that begins with "D".
C: a duckladder!
Mom: What's a duckladder?
C: It's an animal that climbs up trees even though it's a duck.

Bad Ship Lollipop

C: I have pirates on my belt!
Mom: Those aren't pirates, those are skulls and crossbones.
C: No, they're called Jolly Ranchers.

Phonics

Dad: What letter does "xylophone" start with?
C: Z!
Dad: Actually, it's X.
C: X?! That's crazy! That would be an "X-lophone"!

Authority

Cole believes everything I say. He's right.

More Butterflies

I'm a real butterfly scientist!

A Butterfly

His legs are leaving hearts and hearts on my arm.

Self-satisfaction

Mommy, if I were you, I wouldn't want to be you. I would want to be me.

Scooby

Scooby-Doo is his real name, Scooby-Doo-Be-Doo is his long name.

Anti-tautology

I can't do it as soon as possible!

On the Rope Swing

Dad - Okay, two more pushes.
C - Okay. This is the first one... no! It's the zeroth one!
Dad - No, it's number one.
C - No! It's negative one!

Stu at the Vet

I know how they make him younger - they take out his bones and give him littler bones.

Memories of Oscar

Oscar got ran over by a car, and I had to stay in the house alone for a while.

The colors of McDonald's

Mom, did you know this? McDonald's restaurants are painted in the colors of ranch, ketchup, and mustard!

Sometime in the future

If you stick your hand in this bucket, I'll give you 17 dollars sometime in the future!

Um... no?

Heard yelling from upstairs: Can I ride this motorcycle down the stairs?

A Sad Truth

Looking at an illustration of beef cuts: "Cows give us gifts when we kill them!"

Melting Snow

Look! Life is coming for grass!

Looking at the Star Trek Calendar

C: What's this day say?
Dad: It's Majel Barrett's birthday.
C: Ooh! Did we get an invitation?

Knives

You guys almost never get cut by knives.

Skunks

Skunks spray tomato juice.

Units Part 2

Look at how tall that is. It's like seven milliliters tall.

Block of swiss at the deli counter

Mom, that is the cheese that MICE eat! Mice LOVE that cheese!!

Playing a Toy Horn

Dad: That's really loud.
C: Did it scare your ears?

Memory

Mom: You have a really good memory!
C: I have a book of things we've done in my brain.

Pun

[Puts Lego hair on a Lego airplane]

Look, Mommy, it's a hairplane!

Magic

I'm going to make a Lego zombie and then call a fairy to make it come alive at night.

Lego Traveler Set

C: The suitcase has secret papers in it.
Dad: Spy papers?
C: No, papers with math on them. He's going to the conference.

Yarn Store

I loooove seeing yarn rolled up!

I Built a Truck

Bills

Everybody hates bills! Sending money to companies... And you have to do it!

Units

That's a lot of jelly Mommy got. It's like a whole mile of jelly.

Bush/Cheney, Shorter Version

I'm trickier than Cole. I'll blow up his house first.

New York City

In New York City everyone is confused, because there are so many buildings.

Advertising works

A Happy Meal is my FAVORITE MEAL!! It's happy, but it's food! Happy food!!! ((maniacal laughter))

2012

C: What's that movie about?
Dad: It's a pretend movie about the end of the world.
C: The world's never going to end really, right?

Watching Ad For Dog Toy

When all our cats die, we can get a puppy, and get one of those toys, and have hours of fun!

Small Socks

Dad, these red socks, they fairly bit!

On YouTube

I wanna watch the dinosaurs get killed!

Mom-ism

Mom: Calvin, could you --
C: MOM! MOM!
Mom: Don't scream when I'm screaming, Calvin.

Decorating

Mom: Calvin, what would you like to see in our house that isn't there now?

Calvin: Trilobites!

Ages

C: Mom, Daddy is older than you, even though you're taller.
Mom: That's true. Will I ever be older than Daddy, or will he always be older?
C: When he dies, you'll come older.

Stacking the Committee

At my birthday party, I'll choose who picks the game.

Looking at His Letter to Santa

He'll say "Ho ho ho! Which one should I pick?"

Really thirsty

When I'm really thirsty, I can drink a lot more than I need!

Trying to learn the golden rule

Mom: Calvin, I think you should learn about Immanuel Kant. Say there's a knock at your grandmother's door...
C: There's a knock at my grandmother's door.

Redistribution of Wealth

Mommy, when you have too much money that means you give some of the money to me.

Children's Song

Blah, blah, black sheep, have you any wool?

Pirate knifes

Dad! Did you know this? Pirate knifes are really knives for Pirates!

Home Sweet Home

Why is Virginia so beautiful?

Facts of Life

Daddy, my computer stopped working and now I have to start my email all over again!

Squirrels Eat Acorns

Squirrels eat walnuts, too, and coconuts!

Coconuts

Walnuts turn into coconuts.

Computer Lessons

C: The cats teached me.
Dad: What did they teach you?
C: How to use a computer.

The Moon

See? The moon is made of cheese! A piece just fell in my mouth. It's cheddar!

Lego Building

C: I can build it however I want.
Dad: You're right. I don't want to squash your creative spirit.
C: Dad, you squashed my creative spearmint.

Mom's Morning Breath

Mom, your breath smells like potatoes.

When I Eat Food

It all tastes the same, except for things I don't like.

When I Grow Up

I want to be a policeman.

The Golden Rule

Do the things that you really want other people to do.

Waiting for minor bump-removal surgery

Mom: Do you have any questions?
C, excited: Yes! Are they going to take out my eyeballs?

Comets

When a comet hits the Earth, it's called the golf of America.

Place settings

There are two forks so you can eat with both hands!

More Afterlife

Did you know if you die the dinosaurs will come back?

Cats

C: Cats don't know anything, Dad.
Dad: Yes, they do.
C: They don't know anything about Star Wars!

At Chili's

C: What are those? Are they for decoration?
Dad: They're gift cards.
C: Yeah, if you get married here, they give you one of those for a gift.

Kid

C: I'm going to be grown up really really soon!

Dad: No, it'll take many years.

C: I have fun being a kid. I get to play and not go to work.

Silly

I'm so silly. My brain doesn't think right.

Afterlife

When you die, the houses all get old and then they fall down.

Stormy Sky

If the sky opened up then all the planets and stars would fall down to Earth.

We don't want to know

Am I good at eating plastic?

Math lesson fail

Mom, nobody likes to talk about 14. It is boring.

Again! Again!

Mom, you hurt my neck! Do it again, it was SO MUCH FUN!!!!

Greenberry's Coffee Shop

If it were Greenberry then they would only have ONE coffee!

Headache

One time - I didn't have a headache, I was THINKING wrong!

Psychokiller

Why are they saying "run away"? Because the bed's on fire?

Our house was built in the '30s

Remember when you were alive, and they were building your house, and you had to sleep on the lawn?

Clear

Water is clear but it's not invisible. Air is clear and it's invisible.

Not sure how to answer

Looking at Daddy's half-rack of ribs: Wait, those are ribs from a COW? They cut up the COW? How did they DO that!?

Challenges

If something is easy and I already know how to do it, I don't try it again.

Infinite Regression

This how you do a "kitewheel": you jump and then you do a kitewheel.

Blood Suckers

1. I'm going to suck the juice out of these grapes because I'm a juice mosquito.

2. Vampires are called mosquitos.

Good Question

How do you wash water?

No I will not

Will you help me explode the house?