Thursday, May 24, 2012


Hugging is the best part of life...

 ...but candy is too.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Remember the earthquake in Japan? It was so major. First there was an earthquake, then a salami.

Monday, July 4, 2011

False Advertising

Happy Meals never make me happy.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Dad: We have something for your bag lunch today - a spring roll!
Calvin: do you have duck sauce?

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Stop! Stop! Stop! That's hilarious but stop!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

C: How smart are the French?
Dad: Just as smart as everybody else.
C: In that movie they didn't seem very smart.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sign of future cannibalism?

(while poking own face) "what is the human meat called?"

Sunday, January 30, 2011

New house rule

Mustaches do not go on the wall.

- Mom

Thursday, December 30, 2010


Cole said he'd break our internets.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Unverifiable Hypothesis

If you sliced people up like paper, there would be so many pieces you wouldn't even be able to count them all in the same day.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Proposal for the City of Harrisonburg

Policemen should get free slingshots so they can shoot robbers getting away in balloons.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Discovering International Trade

Why is everything I have made in China?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The origin of Man

C: Where do cats come from?
Mom: Other cats.
C: But where did the first cat come from?
Mom: Good question! Where did the first person come from?
C: From a fairy who put two people on the Earth, and those people made all the other people.
Mom: Some people think so, but they call the fairy God. Other people think we came from monkeys.
C: No, from apes. First they were apes, then Indians, and then people.
Mom: No, Indians are people. I think you mean Indians were the first people who lived here.
C: The first people to live in houses? No, they didn't live in houses, they lived in pyramids!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

8 million

Mom: What is 4 million plus 4 million?
Calvin: 8 million! Mom, you messed my HEAD up with MATH!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Black on black

If you draw black marker over black crayon, it GLOWS IN THE DARK.

Person cakes

Zombies eat person-flesh cakes!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Teaching Oleana Science

There are little things you can't see, and they're called germs and they make you dirty. Everyday they make you dirty.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Mom: Name an animal that begins with "D".
C: a duckladder!
Mom: What's a duckladder?
C: It's an animal that climbs up trees even though it's a duck.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bad Ship Lollipop

C: I have pirates on my belt!
Mom: Those aren't pirates, those are skulls and crossbones.
C: No, they're called Jolly Ranchers.


Dad: What letter does "xylophone" start with?
C: Z!
Dad: Actually, it's X.
C: X?! That's crazy! That would be an "X-lophone"!

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Cole believes everything I say. He's right.

More Butterflies

I'm a real butterfly scientist!

A Butterfly

His legs are leaving hearts and hearts on my arm.


Mommy, if I were you, I wouldn't want to be you. I would want to be me.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Scooby-Doo is his real name, Scooby-Doo-Be-Doo is his long name.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I can't do it as soon as possible!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

On the Rope Swing

Dad - Okay, two more pushes.
C - Okay. This is the first one... no! It's the zeroth one!
Dad - No, it's number one.
C - No! It's negative one!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Stu at the Vet

I know how they make him younger - they take out his bones and give him littler bones.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Memories of Oscar

Oscar got ran over by a car, and I had to stay in the house alone for a while.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The colors of McDonald's

Mom, did you know this? McDonald's restaurants are painted in the colors of ranch, ketchup, and mustard!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sometime in the future

If you stick your hand in this bucket, I'll give you 17 dollars sometime in the future!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Um... no?

Heard yelling from upstairs: Can I ride this motorcycle down the stairs?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Sad Truth

Looking at an illustration of beef cuts: "Cows give us gifts when we kill them!"

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Melting Snow

Look! Life is coming for grass!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Looking at the Star Trek Calendar

C: What's this day say?
Dad: It's Majel Barrett's birthday.
C: Ooh! Did we get an invitation?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


You guys almost never get cut by knives.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Skunks spray tomato juice.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Units Part 2

Look at how tall that is. It's like seven milliliters tall.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Block of swiss at the deli counter

Mom, that is the cheese that MICE eat! Mice LOVE that cheese!!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Playing a Toy Horn

Dad: That's really loud.
C: Did it scare your ears?

Saturday, January 23, 2010


Mom: You have a really good memory!
C: I have a book of things we've done in my brain.

Monday, January 18, 2010


[Puts Lego hair on a Lego airplane]

Look, Mommy, it's a hairplane!


I'm going to make a Lego zombie and then call a fairy to make it come alive at night.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Lego Traveler Set

C: The suitcase has secret papers in it.
Dad: Spy papers?
C: No, papers with math on them. He's going to the conference.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Yarn Store

I loooove seeing yarn rolled up!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Everybody hates bills! Sending money to companies... And you have to do it!

Monday, January 4, 2010


That's a lot of jelly Mommy got. It's like a whole mile of jelly.

Bush/Cheney, Shorter Version

I'm trickier than Cole. I'll blow up his house first.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

New York City

In New York City everyone is confused, because there are so many buildings.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Advertising works

A Happy Meal is my FAVORITE MEAL!! It's happy, but it's food! Happy food!!! ((maniacal laughter))

Friday, December 18, 2009


C: What's that movie about?
Dad: It's a pretend movie about the end of the world.
C: The world's never going to end really, right?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Watching Ad For Dog Toy

When all our cats die, we can get a puppy, and get one of those toys, and have hours of fun!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Small Socks

Dad, these red socks, they fairly bit!

Monday, November 30, 2009

On YouTube

I wanna watch the dinosaurs get killed!

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Mom: Calvin, could you --
Mom: Don't scream when I'm screaming, Calvin.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Mom: Calvin, what would you like to see in our house that isn't there now?

Calvin: Trilobites!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


C: Mom, Daddy is older than you, even though you're taller.
Mom: That's true. Will I ever be older than Daddy, or will he always be older?
C: When he dies, you'll come older.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Stacking the Committee

At my birthday party, I'll choose who picks the game.

Looking at His Letter to Santa

He'll say "Ho ho ho! Which one should I pick?"

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Really thirsty

When I'm really thirsty, I can drink a lot more than I need!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Trying to learn the golden rule

Mom: Calvin, I think you should learn about Immanuel Kant. Say there's a knock at your grandmother's door...
C: There's a knock at my grandmother's door.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Redistribution of Wealth

Mommy, when you have too much money that means you give some of the money to me.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Children's Song

Blah, blah, black sheep, have you any wool?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Pirate knifes

Dad! Did you know this? Pirate knifes are really knives for Pirates!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Why is Virginia so beautiful?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Facts of Life

Daddy, my computer stopped working and now I have to start my email all over again!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Squirrels Eat Acorns

Squirrels eat walnuts, too, and coconuts!


Walnuts turn into coconuts.

Computer Lessons

C: The cats teached me.
Dad: What did they teach you?
C: How to use a computer.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Moon

See? The moon is made of cheese! A piece just fell in my mouth. It's cheddar!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Lego Building

C: I can build it however I want.
Dad: You're right. I don't want to squash your creative spirit.
C: Dad, you squashed my creative spearmint.

Mom's Morning Breath

Mom, your breath smells like potatoes.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

When I Eat Food

It all tastes the same, except for things I don't like.

Monday, October 5, 2009

When I Grow Up

I want to be a policeman.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Golden Rule

Do the things that you really want other people to do.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Waiting for minor bump-removal surgery

Mom: Do you have any questions?
C, excited: Yes! Are they going to take out my eyeballs?


When a comet hits the Earth, it's called the golf of America.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Place settings

There are two forks so you can eat with both hands!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

More Afterlife

Did you know if you die the dinosaurs will come back?

Thursday, September 17, 2009


C: Cats don't know anything, Dad.
Dad: Yes, they do.
C: They don't know anything about Star Wars!

At Chili's

C: What are those? Are they for decoration?
Dad: They're gift cards.
C: Yeah, if you get married here, they give you one of those for a gift.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


C: I'm going to be grown up really really soon!

Dad: No, it'll take many years.

C: I have fun being a kid. I get to play and not go to work.


I'm so silly. My brain doesn't think right.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


When you die, the houses all get old and then they fall down.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Stormy Sky

If the sky opened up then all the planets and stars would fall down to Earth.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

We don't want to know

Am I good at eating plastic?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Math lesson fail

Mom, nobody likes to talk about 14. It is boring.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Again! Again!

Mom, you hurt my neck! Do it again, it was SO MUCH FUN!!!!

Greenberry's Coffee Shop

If it were Greenberry then they would only have ONE coffee!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


One time - I didn't have a headache, I was THINKING wrong!

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Why are they saying "run away"? Because the bed's on fire?

Our house was built in the '30s

Remember when you were alive, and they were building your house, and you had to sleep on the lawn?

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Water is clear but it's not invisible. Air is clear and it's invisible.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Not sure how to answer

Looking at Daddy's half-rack of ribs: Wait, those are ribs from a COW? They cut up the COW? How did they DO that!?

Sunday, August 16, 2009


If something is easy and I already know how to do it, I don't try it again.

Infinite Regression

This how you do a "kitewheel": you jump and then you do a kitewheel.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Blood Suckers

1. I'm going to suck the juice out of these grapes because I'm a juice mosquito.

2. Vampires are called mosquitos.

Good Question

How do you wash water?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

No I will not

Will you help me explode the house?