Sweets

Hugging is the best part of life...

 ...but candy is too.

Disaster

Remember the earthquake in Japan? It was so major. First there was an earthquake, then a salami.

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False Advertising

Happy Meals never make me happy.

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Epicure

Dad: We have something for your bag lunch today - a spring roll!
Calvin: do you have duck sauce?

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Funny

Stop! Stop! Stop! That's hilarious but stop!

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail

C: How smart are the French?
Dad: Just as smart as everybody else.
C: In that movie they didn't seem very smart.

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Sign of future cannibalism?

(while poking own face) "what is the human meat called?"

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New house rule

Mustaches do not go on the wall.

- Mom

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Tubes!

Cole said he'd break our internets.

Unverifiable Hypothesis

If you sliced people up like paper, there would be so many pieces you wouldn't even be able to count them all in the same day.

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Proposal for the City of Harrisonburg

Policemen should get free slingshots so they can shoot robbers getting away in balloons.

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Discovering International Trade

Why is everything I have made in China?

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The origin of Man

C: Where do cats come from?
Mom: Other cats.
C: But where did the first cat come from?
Mom: Good question! Where did the first person come from?
C: From a fairy who put two people on the Earth, and those people made all the other people.
Mom: Some people think so, but they call the fairy God. Other people think we came from monkeys.
C: No, from apes. First they were apes, then Indians, and then people.
Mom: No, Indians are people. I think you mean Indians were the first people who lived here.
C: The first people to live in houses? No, they didn't live in houses, they lived in pyramids!

8 million

Mom: What is 4 million plus 4 million?
Calvin: 8 million! Mom, you messed my HEAD up with MATH!

Black on black

If you draw black marker over black crayon, it GLOWS IN THE DARK.

Person cakes

Zombies eat person-flesh cakes!

Teaching Oleana Science

There are little things you can't see, and they're called germs and they make you dirty. Everyday they make you dirty.

???

Mom: Name an animal that begins with "D".
C: a duckladder!
Mom: What's a duckladder?
C: It's an animal that climbs up trees even though it's a duck.

Bad Ship Lollipop

C: I have pirates on my belt!
Mom: Those aren't pirates, those are skulls and crossbones.
C: No, they're called Jolly Ranchers.

Phonics

Dad: What letter does "xylophone" start with?
C: Z!
Dad: Actually, it's X.
C: X?! That's crazy! That would be an "X-lophone"!