On YouTube

I wanna watch the dinosaurs get killed!

Mom-ism

Mom: Calvin, could you --
C: MOM! MOM!
Mom: Don't scream when I'm screaming, Calvin.

Decorating

Mom: Calvin, what would you like to see in our house that isn't there now?

Calvin: Trilobites!

Ages

C: Mom, Daddy is older than you, even though you're taller.
Mom: That's true. Will I ever be older than Daddy, or will he always be older?
C: When he dies, you'll come older.

Stacking the Committee

At my birthday party, I'll choose who picks the game.

Looking at His Letter to Santa

He'll say "Ho ho ho! Which one should I pick?"

Really thirsty

When I'm really thirsty, I can drink a lot more than I need!

Trying to learn the golden rule

Mom: Calvin, I think you should learn about Immanuel Kant. Say there's a knock at your grandmother's door...
C: There's a knock at my grandmother's door.

Redistribution of Wealth

Mommy, when you have too much money that means you give some of the money to me.